I had a rough weekend. Anthony & I traveled back home to Muskegon to relax, float in my mom and dad's pool, and just soak up the last days of summer before youth group and church programs start back up for the fall. We didn't even tell many people we were coming into town (well, at least I didn't) because I sincerely just wanted to enjoy the sun and the water and sleeping-in for, what feels like, the first time all summer.
I definitely enjoyed the pool while we were there and I definitely slept-in and I wasn't rushing around to-and-fro trying desperately to make sure I saw everyone I possibly could and, I'll admit, it was awesome and I'm thankful for it. But, by no means, was it relaxing.
Friday evening was filled with reminders of past mistakes I had made in friendships, past mistakes others made toward me in friendships, and it was just, all-around, a difficult time for my heart despite all of the good things that were worth celebrating (and there were so many good things worth celebrating that night). Sometimes satan likes to bring up the past just so we can forget God's forgiveness and grace long enough to kick us while we're down. I was struggling with this on Friday.
The rest of the weekend was spent learning about some things that made me very angry and very sad. It all just kept cycling through my head and my heart like a really sad song stuck on repeat at its worst part. The sadness and anger would well-up inside me, I would pray or cry, it would subside, then it would all come back up again moments later. This was constant and lasted days.
I got to a point a few nights ago where I couldn't take it and I was sick of thinking about it because I'm at a loss of what to do and my constant need to fix things for people usually backfires (I think God has spent most of my adult life just trying to teach me how to be still and let Him do the doing). So I laid in bed, cried, told the devil where he could shove his lies and his stupidity then, throughout the rest of the day, I talked to God.
I said, "I don't know what to do with this. I don't know why this is happening. I don't like how I feel or how the people I love feel and I want to be done with it because I can't think of a single thing you'd have me do to make it better. Can you, please, lift this burden from my heart and let me rest in You? All I want is You, God. Less of me, less of them, and more of You."
I hear God in, what I call, whispers. Not audible whispers; more like the feeling you get when the wind picks up on a really beautiful day and you hear the leaves rustling in the trees and you are washed over with peace and contentment. That's when I hear Him - a thought, a phrase, a scripture, a promise, or just an undeniable knowing and feeling that He's there. I know it's Him because He speaks with love, not fear. In those moments, I am emptied of me and overwhelmed with Him.
This time, I heard Him say "I am big enough to do that for you. I am bigger than all of it."
In that moment, I felt peace. Nothing was fixed, but I felt peace because I believe Him. My God is bigger than all of it. This simple truth has led me on a bunny trail for the past 24 hours thinking of all of the things in my life that I need to remember He is bigger than. Obviously, that list is infinite because, like He said, He's bigger than all of it. But, just for my own sake (and maybe for some of you), here are the things I am thankful He is bigger than:
8. My past.
9. My present.
10. My future.
11. My pain.
12. My love.
13. My sins.
14. My faith.
15. My body.
16. My spirit.
17. My mind.
18. My desires.
19. My worries.
20. My ailments.
21. My joy.
31. My pastor.
32. My worship.
33. My prayers.
34. My talents.
35. My anxiety.
36. My depression.
42. My morals.
43. My opinions.
44. My gender.
45. My experiences.
48. The internet.
53. My community.
54. My world.
55. My Universe.
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. "
I don't care what the world says or what the people around me do or say - My God is a God who loves His children and will go to battle for them. He hears every single one of my prayers, sees every single one of my tears, knows every thought in my head and every beat of my heart, and He is bigger than all of my circumstances. He is The Maker of the heavens and the earth. He is The Beginning and The End. He is everything and yet He is bigger than all of it.
The Bible says in Philippians 4:6-7 not to be anxious, but to present all of our requests to God in prayer, petition, and thanksgiving and His peace - which transcends all understanding - will guard our hearts and minds.
I'm letting go and letting God. Maybe that's cliche to say, but I really don't care. That's what I'm doing.
If you need me, I'll be resting in Him, basking in His faithfulness, praying through it, praising Him with each new day and watching Him work it all out for His glory.